Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Blew my mind.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.