dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Hey I worked for it too!
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what