Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
i made a craigslist ad !
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.