DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sunday
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
waiting for halloween be like: