@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

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@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@noog

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

@RodLacroix

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend