DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!