DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The internet is full of many things
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies