Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
the three genders
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced