Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
CUTE CAT‼︎
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense