Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
You Might Also Like
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW