Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
my mom making me talk to relatives
Pretty much! 😂👀
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
do horses think humans are hats
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.