Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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Meat Cute
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?