Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’