dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Accidentally blurted out βskip introβ when someone wasnβt getting to the point.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Iβm in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
After reading his last talk to text message, Iβm convinced Iβm married to a pirate.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Everyone knows thereβs no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didnβt like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
Thatβs Twitter now.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me Iβll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.