Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks