Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.