[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.