Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses