Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
excuse me
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks