Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook