Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat