Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie