dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.