dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
kevin is now a local weatherman
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver