Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?