DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot