Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?