Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.