Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.