dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.