– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Dear Lord..
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks