dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.