Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off