[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
damn he’s good
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
#polloftheday
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.