Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
So, can we agree on 4 or
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.