Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.