[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
who will stop them
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.