*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time