[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I don’t think my car can fly
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.