DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
guys I’m going home
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car