@torrami

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

@1AuthorsJourney

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@3sunzzz

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@ZombieProblms

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here