Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
You Might Also Like
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.