drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.