@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

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@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@IamEnidColeslaw

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

@Social_Mime

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

@sixthformpoet

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??