Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.