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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
BaD BoY!!
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here