[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.