drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
What?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
they really do be looking like this
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends