Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
scrabbled eggs
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.