Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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Mistakes were made
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: