Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
prepare for carbonated trouble
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.