@nraymz

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

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@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@ThugRaccoons

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

@EndhooS

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@FatherWithTwins

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight