“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
You Might Also Like
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills