Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
This guy gets it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving