draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Remember folks 😂
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The Book. The Movie.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
These are my roll models.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by