Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’